So here’s what happened. One day I decided to dedicate myself to the idea and ideal of True Love. Sound familiar? It might if you had been reading my blog from the beginning. That’s what started this whole thing; wanting to write how I feel and possibly reach others who dream as I do, who know deep in their core that there is a real feeling when the feeling is real.
I was about 51 at the time. Well enough along in the journey to have reached the lookout point where I could assess my situation, realize it wasn’t what I had wanted, but rather than sink, I would take a deep breath, gird up my loins (yeah, women can do that too) and choose. I chose to keep dreaming, but at the same time holding an awareness that I was damn well fine and ready to be alone. Alone but not lonely. Surrounded by good friends and family and work that I enjoy and pets that I love. In control of my emotions, including disappointments, keenly aware of the crossroads I had approached and the pathways I had chosen … all leading me to right here right now. Determined to no longer be a prisoner to a wish that was about validation instead of a devotion to light and belief in that which is meant to be, that which comes easily and is given freely, that which encourages strength instead of doubt.
Fast forward about a year and I am in love with an amazing man, getting married, being challenged, falling more in love at deeper levels, re-evaluating and re-centering because it turns out that having another human being privy to my true intimacies and vulnerabilities is crazymaking.
Fast forward about four years, I am a widow. Yeah. Thanks Universe. And … thank you Universe. That about describes that spectrum of my feelings.
So back to the subject. It took me a really long time to find someone and for them to find me. It wasn’t a perfect fairy tale, but Life and Love calls for progress, learning, growing … and isn’t that what the point of being human is? The science of action and reaction to forward the experiment.
In this phase (6 months after Ned’s passing – cancer by the way) it seems to be a question of whether to clear the environment we made together or enshrine it. Objects that call to mind a special adventure. Furniture that we chose together. His big t-shirts that I like to wear around the house. Do I hold on, do I set up an area with our photos and mementos to honor the Love? Or do I clear, purge the “stuff”, hold the Ned love all in my heart. Maybe something in the middle.
Ned and I were together a short time, but an intense time. Love came after all, and then it left. Was it True Love? Was it the Only Love? I don’t know. I have a whole new encyclopedia of thoughts and emotions. I do know this though – I still have a choice.