Right. So I’m Online Dating (OD). In the course of which, I find myself writing notes and emails of varying depths of intimacy while attempting to both seduce and deduce the person on the other side.
Recently, I’ve been introduced to a new breed (believe me, I’m sure the basic OD personalities have been dissected time and time again … I’m sure there’s a basic compendium somewhere, but this one is new to me). This is the Questionable Player.
Questionable because he is adroit enough to keep me somewhat hooked with his oh-so sincere protestations that he is indeed *that* busy, or that he is So Not A Player. I can almost imagine a cowlick, a few freckles, and wide blue eyed innocence.
Player because … he probably is.
My point is not about the “breed”, but to expound on a thought that just popped out in one of my latest exchanges with him. Having not met him yet, and dying of curiosity, but also a wee bit annoyed and would have dropped him by now if I had any other form of this type of entertainment handy….I was encouraging him to make a date with me. Somewhere in there he went from “flirty” to “sexual”. Not “sexy” – which is a whole other thing … but “sexual” which is inappropriate at this stage.
Now, I suppose I could have played offended, or laughed it off, or hung up on him, or any number of gambits I’ve employed over the years … nay decades …of trying to figure this relationship shit out. But these days I just found myself a bit perturbed. And while a spark or two went off inside, I was really just disappointed and a bit …bored.
So I called him on it by way of one of my favorite and most disturbing modes of communication: The Schoolteacher Lecture.
Along the lines of: oh jeez, for crying out loud, when will you guys learn. [You must imagine eye-rolling with that last bit.] With a bit of seduction, you’ll *always* get so much further than these crudities … in some cases you may even be surprised…pleasantly. Many a very nice lady has a raging tiger inside her. Treat her with some respect, use your mind, pay attention, learn the basics … and I’m quite sure you’ll get excellent results.
But then I wrote: “Don’t you know we love to be fooled.”
Hmmmmmmm…..that got me thinking.
General conclusion is this: for purposes of online dating, meeting in bars, dating from boredom, dating from fear, and other socially acceptable but ultimately defeatist purposes – I think we *do* want to be fooled. We’ll take (agree to?) the illusion, the fairy tale, the story … or just to be able to stop dating…yaddayaddayaddacrapaboutvalidationandselfesteemyaddayaddayadda. We’ll accept The Rules and other bullshit norms that act like the rails on a roller coaster … resolutely leading us up and down and around until we either get off the ride or we puke.
I can accept that – in fact, I obviously have because I’ve dated that way. Just happy to get a few compliments and a phone call now and then and something to do on the weekends. Hey … sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s not boring. Sometimes I get to make out with a guy.
But – when I think about why I’m single and how much it hurts sometimes that I haven’t found someone and I question all of my …. well…everything…but in this case, all of my methodology…the one thing I come back to is this:
What I want is Real. When it’s real, I’ll just know. And all of the games (on either side) and the illusions (ditto) will go poof and drift away.
Fool me once … and you might get a date. Fool me twice and I’m blogging about you. Hahahahhaaaaa…